WH0? The Question of Identity

Daughter. Classmate. Sister. Co-worker. Guide. Anorexic. Christian. pianist. Runner. Student. Leader.

The question of identity is one I have struggled and Wrestled with most of my life. All these pictures represent a part of me, yet they do not define me. However, that is how I view myself on most days:

one certain thing,

one specific standard I need to live up to;

one I never attain.

At some point in my life I set a standard for myself. You see, I have this strong belief that I have be someone or do something to perfection or there is absolutely no reason to try. If I'm not perfect in that one area, I have failed. So, I hop around, searching for one identity to project onto myself. I can't be a little bit of everything, because I can't be perfect at everything and anything short of perfection simply won't do.

I've only begun to recognize the rigid cycle I've subjected myself to all these years. My first memory of an identity crisis was at the age of 12. I had just started Speech and Debate and track and soon realized I was not the best in either activity. This frustrated me and, at times, halted me from achieving all that I could. Someone who was perfect (in my mind) at both activities was my sister. I promptly turned my energy to being better than her at something, anything.

This need for perfection mixed with low self-esteem in a pre-teen girl set up the perfect storm for an emerging eating disorder and depression. For almost two years my greatest accomplishment was my anorexia. it wasn't just something I did, it was WHO I was. Well, guess what? I couldn’t be the perfect anorexic either, never quite thin or restrictive enough so that dream died around age 17. I tried everything, better student, better physical shape, better Christian, better daughter, better friend, and the list goes on.

All these Identity ideals would appear when I lost sight of the truth. God speaks truth to who I am multiple times in His word. There were times, what seemed like small snippets, when I would grasp this truth and hold onto it like the lifeline it is. Yet larger spans of time were spent grasping for a since of false security in perfection.

It was one of the most terrifying and freeing discoveries of my life.

After moving to Colorado, I was able to leave behind all these counterfeit identities and discover what it truly meant to be Jen. It was one of the most terrifying and freeing discoveries of my life. Moving to a completely new place and befriending people I had never met before meant I was an open book with a blank page, free to write whatever story I allowed myself. I realized Jen was many things, and those things could change and meld with others in a matter of days. I discovered I am imperfect and that is ok.

Old habits die hard though, and soon I found myself straining for a single identity to perfect in moments of uncertainty. I don't think the question of identity is something we will ever fully conquer this side of heaven. Satan thoroughly enjoys toying with the one thing Christ died for: me. You.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations (Jeremiah 1:5)."

Jeremiah was skeptical of his calling, God was not. Ann Swindell speaks truth in the "first 5 app" when she says,

“God has known you from the womb. Your personality, your gifts, your desires, your call: there is nothing about you He did not intimately plan and prepare. Your purpose has been known since before the beginning of time. No matter how unequipped you feel, and no matter how unsure you are about your purpose, God is sure about who you are called to be in His Kingdom.”

Satan thoroughly enjoys toying with the one thing Christ died for: me. You.

I can honestly say that I know this is the truth and yet, I still struggle to live my life in a such a way that reflects this. As I write I think of all the things I’m not doing and the things I am doing I should be doing better. I should be going to school this semester. I Should know exactly what I want to do with my life. I should be spending time with God every day. I should work harder at my job. I should be a better friend. I should not worry so much about what people think of me, I should, I should, I should…

This post isn’t coming from a person who has it all together, heck I don’t even have half of it together. It’s coming from a human who, just like you, struggles daily to fight lies of the identity crisis and cling to that lifeline of truth:

Christ died for YOU, whatever that may look like, He didn’t die for your so-called perfection.