“Everything happens for a reason”.
I hate this statement. Maybe it’s from pure bitterness, maybe it’s because it seems to just invalidate the pain, the grief. It feels like a cheap shot from someone who doesn’t want to sit in it with me, who wants to move on, who can’t handle me. But I’ve already decided that for you in my mind anyways, so maybe that’s not on you.
A friend recently sent me a song. And in this song there's a verse, a verse that I’ve never felt so hard before. Maybe you’ve heard it:
“Everything happens for a reason
But you don't know what you don't know
And you'll never have peace if you don't let go of tomorrow
'Cause it ain't even faith till your plan falls apart
But you still choose to follow, uh
If it doesn't make sense right now, it will when it's over”
(Joy in The Morning, Tauren Wells)
That verse, that paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. Like someone had looked inside of me, saw all the pain, all the grief, all the confusion, all the questioning, all the accusations I’ve flung at my face, took a rolling wave of emotion and summed it up in a couple of sentences.
I know my theology, I know the truth, I know the Bible. For every grace verse you tell me to read I can throw right back into your face why I should be self condemning the heck out of myself everyday.
“But God also said to not be lazy, to produce fruit, to work hard, to do something with your life.”
And that last one hits hard, mostly because I truly believe God is not doing anything with my life. That He decided I was worthless a long time ago, like being sick was not part of his plan in the first place. I caused it, It’s my fault I’m still sick, and therefore He Couldn’t want anything to do with me because I’m a royal screw up. My existence is a screw up.
Those are the feelings, those are the experiences, the things I’m slapped in the face with every-morning. But I also know that’s not good theology, that’s not all the facts, it’s not the truth.
So what is the truth?
The truth is, God plans and knows all things (Job 31:4). The truth is He loves me and delights in me (Zeph 3:17). The truth is He always knew I was a screw up, a habitual sinner who never gets it right, who needed a cover for their sins, someone to take them on(Gal 3:13).
"But there’s another part of me, a fraction really, that wonders if God does coexist in the pain and love, simultaneously, in the delight and the brokenness."
I could go on, but you get the point, it’s nothing neither of us hasn't heard Before. The problem is I can’t hear those truths, they don’t make sense to me.
Doesn’t my pain and illnesses prove that It can’t be true?
What does make sense to me are rules, they always have. I’m very good at following directions and rules, until I’m not and then I’m very good at allowing myself to be swallowed into a hole of self hate and pity. Honestly it comes from a place of absolute confusion and helplessness. It’s my go to coping mechanism for trying to process what I can’t understand, what I can’t do right, What I can’t seem to get…perfect.
My life feel’s like one big problem, a broken nuisance that I can’t seem to fix or get right. And in my mind, my physical sickness is just an outward show of what the real problem is, the problem that Iv’e fought desperately all my life: the inside is broken. Somewhere along the line God fumbled the ball, messed me up, realized I was unfixable, and then just left me.
But…theology.
See I know that can’t be, God is perfect, He doesn’t make mistakes, he doesn’t screw up. So if that can’t be true, the only other option in my mind is that I’m the one that messed me up, I'm the issue I can’t seem to fix, it’s all my fault and no matter how hard I try, how many times I try, I fall on my face every single day, and I can’t do it right.
So what’s the point?
This question has plagued me for many years, but illness has a way of bringing to the front of your mind every freaking day. I could cover it up when I was going to college, Working towards a career, working a job, getting married and being a youth leader. But when most of that is stripped away from you and the other half you can only accomplish half of the time, at best, that question sits with you. It walks around with you all day like an unwelcome guest in your home.
What is the point?
When you can’t work, can’t have kids, can’t be an active participant in your friends and families life most days, what’s the point? I really want to say I’ve found complete peace and contentment in Christ but that’s a lie. I hate myself for that being a lie. But The parallel between God seeing me and knowing me (which mean’s all of my sins, all of my brokenness and worthlessness) and loves me, likes me and delights in my life doesn’t add up in my mind.
If in my head I see my physical illness as a reflection of my unfixable self at my core, then I have to admit that I often look at God as I look at my Dr’s. I think He looks at me like many of my dr.’s have:
.Dramatic
.Lazy
.Broken
.Unfixable
.Not worth sticking with
.A lost cause
That’s hard to write, it’s hard to voice how much I believe that’s true of God. Because if it wasn’t He wouldn’t leave me here. Right?
Look back at those lyrics.
Everything happens for a reason. But I don’t know what I don’t know. And I’ll never have peace if I don’t let go of tomorrow. As I sit here in a busy coffee shop, a frozen ground outside and a lukewarm tea at my side, I wonder what that would be like:
to let go. To let go of trying
To let go of the self hate (like really let go)
To let go of the tomorrow I had planned, had dreamed, had begged God for...
A big part of me doesn’t want to let go tomorrow if it doesn’t look different then today. A big part of me wakes every morning to the disapointment of God allowing this agony to go on. If I’m such a royal screw up and I can never measure up or be good enough for you, why don’t you just end me already? And if you care God, actually care, why won’t you heal me?
These are the only two answers…in my mind.
But there’s another part of me, a fraction really, that wonders if God does coexist in the pain and love. Simultaneously, in the delight and the brokenness. Could I get to the point where I truly know in my heart, not just in my head, that God did what He said: Saw my brokenness, made it whole, and told me I didn’t and couldn’t do it myself. I mean that’s the Gospel. Something so simple, something I asked of God a long time ago, how can it seem so complicated and hard to understand now at 24?
I think ongoing pain complicates things. And I think God understands that.
But I want, so desperately to stop drowning in trying, in working, in self hating, and realize that it won’t destroy me or what God thinks of me. My plan has fallen apart over and over again. And I can’t seem to even comprehend that what God is or isn’t doing is better, is good even. But I’ve still chosen to follow, is that enough for now? Is God looking at me and saying:
“it’s not about you, it never was, so you can’t ruin the plan. It is enough that you still choose me, everyday, imperfect, broken, messy, pieces scattered all over the floor. It’s enough, you’re enough because I made it so.”
“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
Psalm 30:5bMy night is long, oh so very long. The morning is like an elusive dream that's forever out of reach. But God promised, He promised it would come.
Do I believe?
Do You?
Comments