“We are sanctified in Christ Jesus by the Holy Spirit when he subdues our corruptions, imparts to us grace, and leads us onward in the divine walk and life of faith. Christian men are not to be used for anything but God. They are a set-apart people; they are vessels of mercy, they are not for the devil’s use, not for their own use, not for the world’s use, but for their Master’s use. He has made them on purpose to be used entirely, solely and wholly for Him. “
(Charles Spurgeon)
“I’m busy”
That’s still my answer these days. Someone asked the other day,
“But how, especially now?”
To which I proceeded to read off my list. Awe yes, the list, the never-ending list of to do’s that I create day in and day out. I’m trying to keep up, trying to stay productive, trying to have an interesting life, trying to maintain relationships, trying to do it right. During my trying, striving and grinding I find myself in the same pattern I’ve been circling in for years. I’ve made a name for it; I call it the “go hard-crash.” Cycle.
It’s a cycle I’ve built for myself over many years because it’s how I learned to cope with something that I didn’t understand that I and no one else gave me permission to realize that what I was trying to do wasn’t sustainable for me. When I feel decent, I go all out, whether it be a day, a week or a few months. And before I realize what I’ve done I’ve crashed, and the “crash” phase always last twice as long as the “go hard” phase. In this vicious, unconscious cycle something suffers horribly: my health. Because I lose sight of the long-term goal of healing while in the “go hard” phase.
"I realize in the comfort of my all too familiar cycle I’m literally self-sabotaging my body. While that was all I knew what to do when I had no answers, no hope of ever being healed, no understanding of the root problem, it no longer serves me now."
When I feel just okay enough, I somehow disregard any precautions and go all out. The Normal life looks pretty to me,
-It’s shiny and new
-It’s fun and adventurous
-It’s pain free and exciting
-I feel normal, purposeful, and yes, sometimes even fulfilled.
But it doesn’t last, and the fleeting happiness disappears before I even let myself realize what I’ve done. Then I’m set back further then I was before, feeling worse physically, Therefore, my relationships with myself, with others, with food, with my body, take a deep dive.
Today I finally took the time amidst this crash phase of mine to stop and process what happened. I’m beyond frustrated I was back here again. Back in the elevated physical pain, this horrible head space, this exhaustion. Honestly, I was just pissed off at myself for going back to the same cycle without even realizing it and, I don’t know, expecting different results. And It’s something I’ve been pushed to think quite a bit about over the course of this week.
The revelation I came to today is that I don’t just do this with my physical health, I do it with my spiritual health as well.
What looks shiny to you? What looks so enticing that you leap on in, losing sight of the long-term goal: sanctification. Now there’s a big word. One of those Christian words we like to fling around sometimes without even understanding what we’re saying.
Sanctification: to purify or free from sin, to set apart.
This is the long-term goal in my life, this is the long-term goal of a Christian.
"Then all the congregation raised a loud cry, and the people wept that night. And all the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The whole congregation said to them, “Would that we had died in the land of Egypt! Or would that we had died in this wilderness! Why is the Lord bringing us into this land, to fall by the sword? Our wives and our little ones will become a prey. Would it not be better for us to go back to Egypt?” And they said to one another, “Let us choose a leader and go back to Egypt.” (Numbers 14:1-4)
We are no more advanced, no more holy, no greater than the same Israelites who God brought out of Egypt. I look at them and scoff, because I can’t understand why someone who has been brought out of such horrible bondage would even minutely consider returning to those conditions. I can see the end of the story, I know that the Lord is bringing them out of a horrible cycle, and into a new and wonderful land.
But they can’t see that, all they see is the long, uphill journey in front of them. All they can taste is the dryness in their mouth, the feeling of an empty stomach. All they think about is the mental battle they will face; how weak they feel. So, they turn their faces back to Egypt, to the cycle, although vicious, is familiar. Though it killed, it’s comfortable. Although evil, they knew what to expect.
"You came to Him sick; you came diseased. That’s how you come to a Doctor. You don’t come cleaned up and looking good. When you accepted that treatment and understood what was wrong, there was a new hope for you, a fresh start. But don’t expect the healing to be linear, to not be messy."
I realize in the comfort of my all too familiar cycle I’m literally self-sabotaging my body. While that was all I knew what to do when I had no answers, no hope of ever being healed, no understanding of the root problem, it no longer serves me now. I’ve been told there is a cure, I’ve been shown there is a hope, I’ve been explained to that this is a very real and very hard disease to fight.
Crohn’s disease isn’t always visible on the outside, the majority is on the inside, infiltrating the very cells that are supposed to give me life. So why would I turn back to the same old habits I fled to when I’ve been given a new hope, an answer. Guidelines, treatment and, steps on continual healing have been given to me and put in place by a doctor that genuinely cares about me and desires to heal me. Why do I fight the process?
Friends you and I were born into a similar disease, one that infiltrates and kills the very thing that gives us life, our hearts, our souls. Each cycle looks different, each of our lives come with unique struggles, circumstances and regrets. When we had no hope of being healed, no answer for the disease, no one who cared to show us the way out, this is how we coped: the same broken cycle “go hard-crash”. But I’m here to remind you today that our cycle of sin, guilt, regret, serves us no longer.
While it’s all still too familiar and comfortable, so much so we slip into it subconsciously, it’s self-sabotaging us. You have the greatest Doctor in the world. He knows all your medical history. He knows the extent of your sin disease, He knows the mental battles you face, He’s seen the addictions you walk through, He knows the in’s and outs the cycle that’s tailored to you. And this Doctor, He has the treatment. He has put guidelines and steps for continual healing in place because He genuinely cares about you and desires to heal you.
I don’t know if you’ve chosen to accept the cure. But for those of you have I’m going to give it to you straight: If you’ve been given a treatment, and you accept it, fight the daily urge to return to the familiar cycle you built when there was no hope, no answers, when you didn’t care because it felt like there was no point.
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.” (Galatians 2:20-21)
When I went to my doctor a few months ago, I was no where near okay. I’d spent years in this cycle, years of false treatments, years of self-doubt that I even had a real problem. I came to her completely broken, my last hope. I cam to her in tears, angry. I came barely able to stand, in between bouts of dizziness and wanting to throw up. And she saw how sick I was, and she told me what wrong, what I needed to do to heal.
A few months later there are still days where I feel like I’ve made no progress, like it will always be this hard. There are days I’m tempted to believe this too is a false hope, a false treatment. And since I don’t know if it will work it is oh so easy to slip back into my cycle of “go hard-crash”. Because even though I know how the outcome looks, at least I know what to expect.
You came to Him sick; you came diseased. That’s how you come to a Doctor. You don’t come cleaned up and looking good. When you accepted that treatment and understood what was wrong, there was a new hope for you, a fresh start. But don’t expect the healing to be linear, to not be messy. You’ll return to him repeatedly, feeling like the Israelites, like a broken record.
You’ll fall into the old, comfortable cycle, you’ll self-sabotage, and you’ll question your hope and where it lies. But don’t lose sight of the long-term goal: Sanctification. Not perfection, not the fleeting comfort of your cycle, not striving to do it all, sanctification. That where He’s calling you, to continue healing, to a new hope.
”But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” (1 Peter 2:9)
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