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Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest Let my losses show me all I truly have is you
So when I'm drowning out at sea
And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me I'll recall your safety scheme You're the one who made the waves And your Son went out to suffer in my place And to show me that I'm safe
When I first decided to start writing publicly, I wasn’t entirely sure what it was supposed to look like. I don’t have any professional writing experience, and I had no clue how to set up a website, take pictures or keep up with Instagram. But I knew I wanted to talk about real life, about all these questions and struggles that were very much a part of my every day. I desired to tell my story, even though it seemed silly and insignificant. Honestly though, I didn’t have plan, still don’t. I still don’t keep up with my blog like I probably should, and I don’t write unless I have something real to say. The last thing I want is to just spew empty words so more people read and see my stuff.
In a way, writing has become an avenue for me to grow as I write, look back and learn, and to open up discussion and awareness to questions I’ve come to realize a great deal of us ask, but don’t know how to voice. So, I’m still telling my story and a large portion of that story has been developments in my health in the recent months. Most of this post is an update on my life, health and how my new normal will look for the immediate future.
A Difficult Chapter
Quick background on my health: In February I had the worst flare up of my Crohn’s Disease I’d had in almost two years. After returning home from a friend’s wedding and going into the ER while away, I was back at work for almost a week before I became basically bed ridden. The incessant migraines, constant fatigue, insomnia from pain and nausea left me feeling like nothing but a shell of a body. Around this time, a friend had referred me to a holistic practitioner out in Tennessee. I called her out of desperation, not out expectancy, or hope.
You see, doctors have been a regular part of my week for almost two years, you name it, I’ve seen them and tried it: ER, gastrologist , dietitian, chiropractor, specialists, naturalists. I’d done the CAT scans, the oils, x-rays, the antibiotics, colonoscopy, laxatives, every diet there is, probiotics, prebiotics, and supplements. No one had an answer, and the last thing I wanted was to try and explain my problems to another doctor who didn’t give a crap, tell me I was just stressed, drink bone broth, take laxatives every day, and put me on birth control and migraine medicine.
But I had run out of options and was losing hope of ever feeling well enough to do much of anything with my life. So, I picked up the phone and for the first time she listened to me. At the end of February, I flew out to see her for the first time and met my parents there. After listening to everything she confidently diagnosed me with Crohn’s Disease. This seemed much too soon and easy for an answer to my lifelong health problems, but she was positive that this was what it was.
What is Crohn's?
I wasn’t really sure what Crohn’s was so for those of you who are unaware let me explain, According to The Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation,
“A person’s immune system usually attacks and kills foreign invaders like bacteria, viruses, fungi, and other microorganisms. During a normal immune response, cells travel out of the blood to the intestines and produce inflammation. Under normal circumstances, harmless bacteria that’s present in the GI tract are protected from an immune system attack. These harmless bacteria are mistaken for foreign invaders and the immune system mounts a response. The inflammation caused by the immune response does not go away. This leads to chronic inflammation, ulceration, thickening of the intestinal wall, and, eventually, symptoms of Crohn’s disease.”
When she did live blood work at my first appointment, she pointed out the lack of healthy cells, or just cell’s in general, in my blood. The ones I did have were diseased and my immune system was nonexistent. To paint a picture for you, my body, specifically my entire Gastrointestinal tract, is in a constant state of freak out mode. While most people’s digestive systems tend to work better while sitting down or sleeping, they can usually still eat on the go, exercise, and such without it significantly altering their day. For me, the moment I wake up and start moving in any capacity, my body goes into fight or flight mode and remains in a constant state of inflammation, causing digestion to be the last thing on its mind. As the years go on, undiagnosed Crohn’s continues to worsen, and with it, so does each flare up.
Life With Crohn's and Treatment
Those with Crohn’s have periods of remission and flares. A time of remission for me looks like a manageable, constant migraine, bloating, a decent amount of strength and energy, and if timing it right, digestion isn’t half bad. A flare up for me would be a pulsating migraine that leaves me blurry eyed and dizzy, nausea, extreme bloating, and no digestion, which cause the constant stomach pain. In a flare up my strength and energy are gone, and I’ll spend much of my time in bed or in a quiet place.
While there is still no known cure, there are a couple of routes you can take with Crohn’s to help manage it. The most common medical practices are medication, change in diet, and surgery but there is not a one size fits all treatment. While I’ll always have Crohn’s and must proactively manage it the rest of my life, there’s a few natural treatments I am doing to get to the point where it doesn’t control my every day. The most important thing right now is the compound I am taking daily that contains palladium. Palladium is a substance that can break through the fat barrier of the cell walls in your body. Since Crohn’s is a disease that’s inside your cells, you must get inside to deal with it.
After returning to Tennessee for my Second visit I was able to view my new blood work. This time my cells were moving, and my body was making new, healthy platelets! This is all able to happen because the palladium is acting in place of my immune system right now. As this compound creates a protective bubble to pull in the infection, fungus and parasitic material, my body is slowly able to start creating healthy cells that can absorb nutrients and help rebuild my body. This last visit we upped my dosage because the amount of fungus and disease in my body was still more than the compound could pull out and dispose of. When my body is able to support its own immune system and can take in nutrients again, I will start on supplements to start rebuilding my organs.
My Healing
As far as the healing process goes, I have a tentative timeline of about eight months until I can ease back into real life. Until then I have been advised by my doctor to keep commitments, stress, strenuous activity, and work to a minimum. While a great deal of my healing is physical, it is equally mental and emotional. How I live my life and work through the pain is going to look vastly different now. There’s a lot of guilt and self-doubt that wells up inside daily and you are constantly reminding yourself and having others remind you of where your identity lies.
The physical side of things is also a challenge. With migraines being the last symptom to leave, each day is a pounding and ringing in your ears. Other current symptoms include constipation, bloating, body sores, body aches, constant back pain, insomnia, fatigue, weakness, imbalanced hormones, drastic weight loss and weight gain. There have been some positives I’ve seen since February though. I can have a pretty normal day if I take it easy, my hair has stopped falling out and my body is beginning to take in some nutrients and build muscle.
Learning about Crohn’s and how it explains many of the symptoms and other illnesses in my life has, in a way, been empowering. I no longer force myself to spend the day convincing myself I’m okay or overreacting because no one knows what’s wrong. Instead, I am now entering the long journey of grace with myself over guilt. I’m working through what the new “normal” must look like for the following months and the fact that it’s not going to look productive or glamorous. I’m processing that rest, not merely physical but also mental, is of the upmost priority and others might question it. I’m recognizing that there is real loss and it’s okay to grieve.
The Next Chapter...
But through all this, I know this is not the whole story, it’s merely another chapter. Today I am grateful. I’m grateful for the extra time I’ve been able to pour into the people I care about. I’m grateful for how uncomfortable I am in this season and how it stretches me. I’m grateful for the community that is so evident in my life right now and how this time has opened vulnerability with my family that I feared before. Not everyday is full of gratitude or contentment.
Many days I’m frustrated and scared, but I can confidently say that even though what my Father sees as best for me is vastly different then what I would choose, He still walks with me. He isn’t disappointed in my imperfection or worried about my future. In a desperate attempt to be enough, work hard enough and please, I too often forget that He is content with me and His love isn’t reliant on where I’m at in life.
He is satisfied with me. And my greatest desire is to forever learn what it looks like to be satisfied in Him. I'm not there yet. It won't ever be perfect this side of heaven and my relationship with Him highly imperfect, but I'm discovering that's the sweet beauty of it.
Why am I down?
Why so disturbed?
I am satisfied in you
-Satisfied in You (Psalm 42)
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