Life Is Beautiful

Weakness. It’s not something we usually boast in. I feel like weakness is that “healthy” dose of reality that hits us all time and again. Like the cartoons we used to watch on Saturday mornings as kids, the ones that steps on a rake and gets knocked to the ground from the force of a stupid stick. Life is that stupid stick a little too often and I have to say I have a lot of bruises from it. Rude.

Pic creds belong to seybradanaephotography.pixieset.com

How great the chasm that lay between us How high the mountain I could not climb In desperation, I turned to heaven And spoke Your name into the night Then through the darkness, Your loving-kindness Tore through the shadows of my soul The work is finished, the end is written Jesus Christ, my living hope

I get beyond frustrated with myself when I can’t handle it all, can’t hold it together, can’t do all the things, can’t be the picture-perfect Christian I want to be. And that’s when the insecurities hit. He’s serving God better than I ever could. She has her life together. She works out, cooks, cleans house, and looks amazing consistently. People like him more. If I was bubblier, less annoying, more invested in my relationships, had consistent quiet times, less worried, less weak, better self-control, more structure, worked harder, loved better, less selfish, cared more about others, cared less about what people thought, better skilled at things, more knowledgeable, etc., etc., etc.

Mostly I live the majority of my thought life (which is a major chunk of my existence, I may slightly overthink EVERYTHING) thinking of how I don’t measure up, or what I could be doing better, or kicking myself for messing up no matter how hard I work. Do you thrive on performance? I do. Has work, school, ministry become more of who you are a little less of what you do? Does the idea of not having a career path picked out after college leave you anxious and terrified? Does the idea of barely being able to provide for yourself, much less a family keep you awake at night? Does illness steal your body of the last bit of strength you thought you had?

"You see, we never really can do it alone, I think the weak moments and pain just remind us who’s really wearing the pants in this family"

Weakness. Not something I’m a fan of at all, in fact I absolutely despise the weakness I’m experiencing. At just turning the corner into my twenties, I’m supposed to be at the prime of my life, able to rebound from anything, do the crazy college hours, eat what you want, travel with friends, pursue your career and be in the best shape. Yet, rebounding is exactly the opposite of what my body does. Working out, not an option. Eating out, ends in throwing up. Each bite, every movement, each hour of sleep must be meticulously monitored or all hell breaks loose.

I look at myself and think, this is pathetic, disgustingly so. I see my body and it’s the hardest thing to watch it fall apart, the vibrant, strong, independent, passionate woman I want to identify as seems to be anything but. I look at myself and must face the fact that there’s a little more flabbiness where the muscle used to be. I’m forced to watch as the bubbliness and life I so desperately want to share with the world turns to a silent cry for help because sometimes standing takes all the mental energy and strength I have. I listen as I whisper the words, “I can’t do this on my own”, understanding some of my independence must be laid aside for now. I cry at the lack of passion I feel for life of late because I’m just too tired. I look and all I can see is the weakness, the apathy, the tiredness, the desperation, the confusion, the sickness.

A typical day is waking up to an upset stomach and pounding headache, just hoping it doesn’t increase throughout the day so I can stay at work. And on the abnormal days when the throbbing and nausea aren’t there I think I can conquer the world and want to take advantage of every moment of freedom, go on the hike, go to the dance, eat out with friends, stay up late laughing only to wake up the next morning kicking myself for going too hard. The hard truth I refuse to believe is I AM sick. And I can’t do all the normal things. It would almost be easier if I were in the hospital or bed ridden because I would be forced to accept the facts.

Now I don’t write this for pity (Lord knows I have enough pity parties of my own to supply the whole world), I’m telling you all this because when I thought about starting this blog, I promised myself I would be real and raw. That my passion for writing wouldn’t be based on other’s opinions about it. With that said, think what you want I’m just being honest (painfully so).

"Your greatest weaknesses are God’s strongest assets"

Weakness. This battle I face is a physical battle yes, but it affects me in so many other ways. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Not being physically capable of doing everyday things kills me and leaves me discouraged. After a while you begin to wander if anything is really changing or helping, and your passion for life seems to be dulled when you’re stuck in your room. Spiritually it’s a daily fight to find the hope and joy in the situation. You fight tooth and nail, you do all the things you’re supposed to do, take all the supplements, stay away from all the wrong foods, try to get enough sleep, and at the end of the day it honestly feels like it was all for nothing. When nothing changes, your drive to fight slowly dies and you wonder what the purpose is anyways.

I was talking with a dear friend yesterday, who, like me is experiencing a major physical battle. Our battles are very different yet, as she spoke about her struggles the past couple of weeks all I could think about was,

“she gets it, she totally and completely gets what I’m going through, and I her.”

In that moment I was reminded of God’s sovereignty, His complete and utter control over the situation. Each moment of hurt, every tear shed, every outburst of frustration, each cry for help, and every moment where you simply can’t anymore. In the moment when you can’t take another step, He picks you up and carries you. When the battle seems lost, He stands before you and fights. At your lowest point He stands for you.

Last year I had a knee injury. I could barely walk on it much less workout. Yet I refused to just sit, I tried low impact exercises, I tried walking a little bit, even thought I could play ultimate Frisbee on it. And just as I thought it was getting better, I would go and try to run on it, messing it up further. Only when I began guide training in the summer did it truly heal. I was forced to sit in a raft for ten hours a day, giving my knee the much-needed break it had been requiring for a long time. I was shocked to find about a month later that I no longer felt pain in my knee when walking and eventually didn’t need the knee brace. The very thing I was refusing to do, rest, was the exact thing I needed and only then could healing come.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2nd Cor 12:9-10)."

Oh Lord let this be my life, let this be my anthem, let it be the air I breathe, the things I do, the words I say, and the song I sing. Let my every shaky breath be not reliant upon my strength (or if we are being honest, lack thereof,) but upon Yours only. Life is a beautiful thing; I pray I never forget that. God has blessed me in a multitude of ways, from the strongest community I’ve ever had, supportive family, an amazing job, to the smallest of memorable moments. It’s in moments of intense weakness that I’m reminded of how much of life I take for granted. How fast time moves.

"Today I’m reminded of how God doesn’t always appear to us in the big and mighty ways that we always ask of Him, He’s often in the whisper"

“And a great and mighty wind tore into the mountains and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a still, small voice ( 1st Kings 19:11-12)."

Weakness. In the midst of pain and suffering of any kind, He’s always answering my prayers, maybe just not in the way I would have planned or think He should right now, but He's still answering. He speaks in the small moments.

God is in the late-night laughter with your closest friends.

He’s in the long talks with people you care about.

He’s in the bike ride in the evening.

He's in the quiet when it’s just you and Him.

He’s in the swing dance on a Saturday night. He’s in the hellos and the goodbyes.

He’s in the monotonous and the spontaneous.

He’s in the tear-filled moments and He’s in the cries of joy. And He’s in my heart.

"You’re worth is not based on what you are and are not capable of. Your identity lies not in your earthly body. And your value, that was set in stone on the cross"

Weakness. He's my life breath and the only thing that keeps me going when I no longer can on my own. You see, we never really can do it alone, I think the weak moments and pain just remind us who’s really wearing the pants in this family. I don’t know what your weakness is right now. I don’t know if it’s big or small, truth is, I really don’t care. I’m learning comparing your struggles with others literally does nothing productive.

I don’t care if you’re fighting a physical battle, going through a divorce, or losing a loved one.

It doesn’t matter if you’re watching your child or friend walk away from God, working through a break up, or dealing with insecurities.

If you’re fighting depression or anxiety, fearing the future, worrying about finances, fighting shame from your past, or just spread so thin you’re about to lose it, God cares equally about ALL and ANY of it.

Your greatest weaknesses are God’s strongest assets. I honestly don’t have the slightest idea of how or why God works through ME, YOU, THEM. But He does, not only does He work through us, He treasures you more than you and I could ever hope to comprehend. You’re worth is not based on what you are and are not capable of. Your identity lies not in your earthly body. And your value, that was set in stone on the cross.

I’m well aware that the physical battles we face aren’t merely that. There’s a much grander war playing out and we are on the devil’s playing field. Therefore, I must choose each and every day to say you can have my body, but my soul is taken, my heart belongs to Christ, and my mind is set on truth.

SO. SUCK. IT. SATAN.