We sing the song during worship. We close our eyes and profess we trust God and that it is well with our soul. But is it really? I easily sing the words while my mind wonders into many other places, caught up in an array of thoughts. But when the world hurts, and life drops a bomb on you, is it well with your soul? I would have to answer that most often it’s not, or, at least I don’t pause long enough for God to bestow any amount of peace in my moment of panic.
This season of life has been a scary one for me. There’s comfort in a schedule and knowing what is expected of you, going to school, going to college, getting a job, getting married and then you are supposed to have arrived at life.
I’m so out of my comfort zone.
After the whole "going to school" thing, the life schedule sort of disappeared. I like sticking to schedules; I come alive without schedules. I know this sounds like an oxymoron but hear me out. If I’m on a schedule, that means I planned it and I can control it. It means I know what is expected of me and can prepare for how I’m supposed to act in a coming situation, because I know what’s coming. Change is a big deal for me. It scares the heck out of me and I will often try to talk myself out of it if given the opportunity. It’s also where I grow the most though, (surprise, surprise).
It’s slightly annoying to me that the one thing we fear the most ends up being the one thing makes us our best selves. Looking back on just the past year, I know that if God had decided to show me what the next year of my life would look like I would have made like the homeschooler I was and hid under a rock (if you don’t understand my joke, your loss). Fortunately, God knows what He’s doing and, instead, gently led me through some of the biggest changes of my life. Moving to Colorado, allowing myself to be vulnerable with new friends, finding what makes me passionate, learning to guide, mentoring younger girls, working and making a life for myself here, and learning to be content in a season of constant change.
“My peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"(John 14:27)
At the beginning of this past week, God gave me a peace I couldn’t really put my finger on; a peace about who I am and where I’m at in life. It was a sweet reminder of His deep love for me, one I wasn’t expecting. You see, the last time I could remember a peace like that was this past summer. I was sitting by the river, taking some me time because I didn’t have trip to guide. There was a lot going on; I didn’t know where I would be living in the next two months, I didn’t have a job for the fall, my health was a wreck, and I questioned my ability to even guide. However, in the midst of all this, God was giving me the most perfect peace I could imagine, a joy and contentment I could only have dreamed of. The past couple of months I have found myself reflecting on that day and desiring, more than anything, to be enveloped in that peace by the river again.
Later in the week some difficult things came up, and while my emotions hurt, that peace never left me. It continues to baffle and amaze me how and why God cares so deeply about something that seems rather frivolous, something I just need to build a bridge and over. If God cares that much about our feelings, how much more must He care about all the things that seem like giants in our lives? He never promised that life would be one big schedule and that everyone would follow it precisely. He never promised that things wouldn’t change. He never promised there wouldn’t be heart break. He never promised a smoothly paved road.
He did promise this though, “My peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:27)." And this, “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14). So, as I stumble through each day, desperately trying to connive and plan out my every minute, God is just waiting to give me peace. He’s not pushy. He doesn’t mock my tears. He doesn’t scoff at my ridiculous, finite plans. No, He patiently remains and lovingly holds my hand as He walks with me. With each shaky step He’s ready to pick me up, I need only to be still.
“And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You And it is well with me”
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