Feelings, can’t live with them, can’t live without them. I experience a remarkable amount of feelings in one day it’s crazy to think a single human could contain that much emotion (Ok that sounds slightly dramatic).
If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no" If You say "release", I'm letting go If You're in it with me, I'll begin And when You say to jump, I'm diving in If You say "be still", then I will wait If You say to trust, I will obey I don't wanna follow my own ways I'm done chasing feelings Spirit lead me
(Spirit Lead, Influence Music)
Growing up I would proudly proclaim myself a tom boy, I wore nothing but baggy t shirts and oversized jean shorts that had seen better days before they saw me. I would run faster than the boys in school, tackle them in a game of football and periodically make them bleed, they were terrified. Needless to say, I prided myself in hating drama and not really being touchy feely. While I still don’t do drama all that well, I’ve come to face the fact that no matter how much I hate dealing with them and admitting I have them, feelings are a thing. Kind of like when Opera tells you to look under your chair, “you get feelings, you get feelings, everyone gets feelings!”. Problem is I don’t know what the heck to do with them sometimes. I can easily become freaked out when my feelings suddenly change or I don’t feel the way I want to, or if I can’t change my feelings or turn them off. I am quick to beat myself up when I act on my feelings.
A hard lesson I’ve continued to learn is that my feelings are valid, but they are not always reliable. This is vitally important for me because, too often, I give myself crap for having certain feelings in the first place. That’s not my fault, God created us with emotion and a heart, feelings don’t always make sense and that’s a tad frustrating to me. On the other hand, while my feelings may be real and raw, they are not always my best compass. Despite how strongly I feel about something in the moment, I’m always telling myself to step back and look at the facts without the feelings at the forefront. Probably the most frustrating feelings I have are when I don’t feel close to God. One week I will feel so invested, so driven to make every moment count, praying that God would let me live out my mission field well that day. Knowing that, simply because I am adored by God and made beautiful and lovely in Him, means all other People are made the same through Him. This helps shift my perspective for the day to focus on others and allows me to share the same love and adoration that they deserve merely because they are made in Christ’s image.
On these days I feel so near to Him. I can somehow see Him making a difference through me even though my days mostly consist of cleaning objects, moving boxes around, doing life with people, and eating. But then there are the days when I can’t seem to focus on a devotion, when I try to memorize scripture, but the words don’t come, when I feel a little less motivated to invest and listen to others and find it a little easier to make it all about me. In these moments or days of lack of motivation and drive I feel like I’ve let God down somehow. Like I couldn’t be all that I could that day and missed out on being used by Him.
"See, somewhere deep down my need to perform even carries over into my relationship with Christ."
I tell Him I don’t’ want to feel this way and pray He would bring the motivation back. In my moments of weakness and feelings of darkness and loneliness I begin to analyze and dissect every aspect of my week. What could have caused my feelings to change? Lack of prayer? Lack of devotional time? Not enough sleep? I didn’t work on being humble enough that day? I forgot to work on scripture memorization one day? I snapped at someone yesterday? I’m not being social enough? I’m worrying too much? I let jealousy and envy get the best of me? While all these things could be contributors and certainly are things I want to work on, there’s one problem: They are all about what I do and what I did wrong. Too often I think I view my relationship with God as me in the driver’s seat and Him in the back seat giving directional advice as needed (sometimes I even allow Him shot gun). There’s a tiny little, itty bitty problem with this view:
I’M NOT THE DRIVER, I DON” T EVEN OWN THE FREAKING CAR!
This being said, it often takes a few times around the block for me to get something through my brain. There’s this weird thing about God where if He wants to prove a point to me, He makes it painfully obvious, to the point where it would be stupid to keep acting like I don’t get the picture. A few Sunday’s ago, another Sunday when I was stressed to the max again, my pastor preached on Mark 4:35. We all know the story about Jesus asleep in the boat, and the storm comes, and the disciples have a major freak out moment and yada yada blah blah, story ends. However, something about this account struck me a little harder this time.
The pastor pointed out that the disciples were fishermen, used to the sea of Galilee and the infamous storms it brought. This was their turf and Jesus was just a teacher, so He was free to go take a little nap. They had it covered. Sound familiar? Only difference from me is they’re in a boat, but Jesus is still taking the backseat. However, this particular storm was unlike any they had faced before, something they realized they couldn’t handle alone anymore. And all of sudden it’s Jesus’s fault.
“Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” (Mark 4:38)
Jesus was in the back, right where they put Him. But when the storm became too strong for them (ooh shocker) They rip Him apart for not being out front with them.
By the end of the sermon I was like,
“Ok God, ya the truth hurts a little. I’m the disciples.”
I want, and even have the audacity to think I have control over most of my situations: Job, housing, education, relationships, money, health. But as soon as that circumstance hits just a little too hard, I lose it and ask,
“What the heck God, why aren’t you taking care of this, I thought you loved me?!”
Because I never let Him, never even asked Him. I also have this wild notion that once I learn something, I think I’ll remember what I learned for the rest of my life and never have to learn it again. Silly huh. But the sermon wasn’t enough for God to get it through my little head.
"But the situation doesn’t define us, the feelings don’t define us, the hurt doesn’t define us. God does."
So, two days ago, while driving to the springs, I turn on a random podcast about peace. And low and behold the main scripture was Mark 4:35. So I listen to the story again, with a slightly different take on it. You know that whole feelings thing I’ve seemed to have digressed from in the beginning of this whole spiel? Don’t worry I promise it all comes full circle, (like I said this blog is basically the inter-working's of my mind overflowing on paper so you can’t say I didn’t warn you). Well, the pastor in the podcast was speaking about stress and fear, and how they aren’t inevitable. And I’m like “come again?” All those feelings I mentioned I hate, I’ve begun to realize that at least 95% of them stem from stress and fear (totally based off a sound, mathematical, scientific poll I conducted).
The reminder that those two overwhelming feelings don’t actually have to be a thing left me intrigued. Stress and fear come from the feeling of losing control. Control of grades, relationships, money, health, happiness, security, confidence. The funny thing is that we were never in control of these things in the first place. And get this,
God INTENTIONALLY leads us into situations we can’t control.
“That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, ‘Let us go over to the other side.’ Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.” (Mark 4:35-37)
Jesus already knew the Disciples were going to need Him, already understood that this storm was way beyond their control, and already agreed to wait for them to acknowledge their need for Him. This might leave you asking,
“why would a loving God intentionally lead us into a dangerous and painful place?”
I can ask this but, in realty, all of life is a dangerous and painful situation. But the situation doesn’t define us, the feelings don’t define us, the hurt doesn’t define us. God does.
God intentionally led us into life, which just so happens to be full of sin and suffering this side of heaven. But he also intentionally walks beside us in this life, if we allow Him. God didn’t push Himself on the disciples no matter how much He knew they would need Him, and He doesn’t push us to choose Him in everyday life. Sometimes it takes the worst of storms to realize He’s been in control all along and we just need to wake up realize how small we truly are. We can either look up or look within when it comes to our storms. When I look within all I see are my feelings and failures.
What if you based your relationship with your significant other or with your parents on your feelings alone? What if one day you just weren’t feeling all the warm and fuzzy’s, you were exhausted, or you forgot to say I love you. Do you simply say, “I don’t think this relationship is going to work, out we may need to go our separate ways, there’s just too many days when I don’t feel happy”? What about with your parents, what if they just up and left one day because they didn’t feel like paying your bills or feeding you food. They didn’t feel like they liked you all that much that day, so they just said, “See ya.” What kind of relationship is that? When the major storms hit there would be no commitment, nothing to trust. Yet, this is how I treat my relationship with God way too often. I freak out when I don’t feel like praying, don’t feel like letting him take the driver’s seat, don’t feel like trusting Him. So, even after a sermon and a podcast God points out, once again, the truth in this struggle of mine.
“What the heck God, why aren’t you taking care of this, I thought you loved me?!”
Because I never let Him, never even asked Him.
A close friend and I have been working on memorizing a scripture a week. It’s not as easy as I anticipated it would be and I was a slightly discouraged going onto the scripture being that I hadn’t really memorized the last one yet. Anyways, the scripture he picked for this week was 2 Corinthians 12:10,
“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG.”
I just picture God doing a little mic drop here. God knows this is one of those lessons I desperately want to check off my list and be able to say, “I get it, I’ve learned it, let’s move on.” I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling like a burden, I hate messing up. But God keeps showing me that my weaknesses simply AMPLIFY His strength. When I don’t have all the warm and fuzzy’s towards God, when I can’t pray, When I don’t feel happy, God’s got it.
I simply must choose Him DESPITE my feelings. And When I let go of control like that, it allows God the space He needs to step up from the back of the boat and say to my storm,
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