The simple fact you are in a state of healing right now does not exempt you from helping others heal, it only qualifies you.
7/30/2020
More often than not the pain overwhelms and engulfs me. The pain leads to fear, fear that it will never cease. Which, in turn, leads to fear about many other things in life. This thread of fear is responsible for many of the nights I lie awake. The pain so perfectly mixed with fear leaves my body tense, unable to let go and allow sleep to come. I pray to God that the pain would go away, in a state of such exhaustion I don’t feel capable enough to ask what I’m supposed to be learning in that moment.
Rather, I just feel dread. It consumes me. The dreadful thought that I may never know what it’s like to wake up with a clear head, a vision without spots. What must it feel like to walk around without continuously wanting to pass out? Sometimes I simply can’t stand it (like literally, I'll have to lie down lol) . I tolerate for weeks and then I break, and each time it feels more hopeless then the last.
"Mostly, I can laugh at the days to come because I know my hope isn’t in those days"
Why does my heart ache for what my body wasn’t meant to possesses: Calm. I have dreams. I have plans. All of which seem unattainable. People say it will come, just give it time. What these well meaning people don’t know is I have given it time, so much time. My word, time is all I’ve given it. And I’ve been told that there is help. I’ve reached for the illusive hope, only to grasp for it and only get smoke and mirrors. And each time hope is handed to me again, the reach for it becomes a little less intense, the faith a little less tangible.
Some days, I feel like the cynicism overrides everything else. Trust and faith in anyone telling me they have answers seems like a cruel joke they are determined to play with my emotions. And to be completely candid, most days, if I have time to think about it, I don’t possess much hope about my future as far as my body goes.
"Am I meant to be in bed a couple times a week for the duration of my days?"
"And will a raging, never ending migraine be the background music of my life?"
I Know I speak from a feeling of hopelessness and anxiety today. One wrought with fear and torment of never feeling whole, never doing so many things I love ever again. Never going back to school. Never pursuing the career I long for. But I also know that fear and hopelessness isn’t where it all ends and it is not the feeling I have every day of my life.
Today I write from this place. But two days ago, I wrote from a different perspective….
7/28/2020
Most people seem uncomfortable when I make light of my condition. Some will ask,
“do you have a migraine today?”
to which I answer with a laugh,
“always”.
Or I’ll make a joke in a ice cream shop with friends,
“you know, sometimes I consider eating ice cream and dying happy.”
They laugh at first and then grow a look about them that doesn’t says,
"I don't know how to respond to that."
Most people offer up the innocent remark of,
“you look great.”
and I’ll think to myself,
“oh ya, you should see my organs they look even better!”
(That's a joke, you don't want to see those it's bad haha)
Now, I realize that this may seem a trite morbid to some of you. However, I’m the one living every day in a body that’s eating me alive so I feel like I can make light of it when I chose to.
"Mostly, I can laugh at the days to come because I know my hope isn’t in those days"
It’s not in my body. It’s not in my health, or lack thereof. It’s not in any of these so called “controllable” things. Maybe the largest takeaway for me this year is the face smattering reality that none of it was ever being controlled by me anyhow. I ponder if deep within us we know that; we understand at our core that, of course, we don’t control any of this.
Yet, in our daily routine named comfort, we all to quickly forget this simple truth: You control nothing. At first glance that sounds amazingly terrifying, it leaves a sinking feeling in your gut. However, if I, if you, if America, if leaders, if preachers and politicians don’t control any of it, for goodness sake, who does?
Hebrews 10:13
“Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”
It’s Him. He’s our hope. He’s my hope. And the reason He’s the Hope is because He controls it all, He created it, He loves it, He adores it, and He saves it.
My life to this point is nothing I ever expected, it’s contained highs and lows I could not have dreamed up.
.I moved to Colorado on my own when I was eighteen
.I pursued an internship for two summers as a guide for an outdoor ministry
.I’ve rafted the Arkansas and Snake river.
.I worked a full-time job and paid rent while visiting doctors twice a week
.I went back to school and finished class while being bed ridden for a month
.I interned for a youth ministry in my wonderful small town of Colorado.
That list may not seem that impressive to you. That’s okay. It doesn’t usually sound successful to me either. There’s been many a night I lie awake from the pain and anxiety about my future. And I run this very same list through my head and recall every area of my life that I’ve failed. But I’m tired of those lists. They leave me empty and void. They don’t fulfill and they don’t change anything. The list above may or may not sound that impressive to you. Those are all the “major accomplishments” in my life.
7/30/2020
I have another list, one that won’t sound quiet as exciting. But I think it’s the one that matters more than anything I could name off to you that I have done or could do.
Someone reminded me recently that most of what matters in life isn’t the exciting, breathtaking moments. It’s the relationships we build and the growth with God that we experience in the everyday, mundane, simple life.
.I’ve danced in the kitchen while I made cookies
.I’ve woken up at four a.m. to watch a lunar eclipse and a blood moon
.I’ve Scaled a mountain or two with dear friends
.Iv'e cried with a student because their brokenness needed another set of tears instead of a fixer
.I’ve learned to share my faith with the stranger cleaning my teeth, or the student I took out for coffee
.I’ve fell on the floor at work in a laughing fit due to my co-workers more times then I can count
.I’ve washed an endless number of dishes with week long students while jamming out to T-Swift
.I’ve felt the most overwhelming sense of peace as I sit next to the river after an exhausting day of guiding
.I’ve found the man I want to love and spend the rest of my life with
.I’ve created a platform where I can share my questions and thoughts with the world
.I’ve drifted off to sleep under the stars more times than I can count
.I’ve made a dance video in a onesie with my bestie
.I’ve (somewhat) learned how to swing dance
.I’ve had the privilege of watching a small town in Colorado blossom because of the community that continues to fill it
.I've climbed numerous rocks
.I’ve seen God break, renew me, grow me, and walk with me through trials I never thought I would endure.
I've carried a burden For too long on my own I wasn't created To bear it alone I hear Your invitation To let it all go
Yeah I see it now I'm laying it down And I know that I need You
I run to the Father I fall into grace I'm done with the hiding No reason to wait My heart needs a surgeon My soul needs a friend So I'll run to the Father Again and again And again and again
Run To The Father
My life isn’t exciting. It’s not successful. It’s not glamorous. And, at first glance, it doesn’t look like it’s really heading anywhere. I’m not some influencer with a crap ton of money that is able to travel for my job. I don’t have a college degree with a well-paying career. I’m not saving lives.
But I know that without all that I’m still able to touch your heart. I’m still able to share my story with a world that needs the truth of hope outside of themselves and their circumstances. I’m more than capable of making you laugh. I want nothing more than to use my life for Christ.
The question I need to be willing to ask myself is , am I willing to serve Him in ANY capacity, any circumstance? Even if it’s not what I dreamed of?
And when my dreams and plans seem to fail, will I follow that thought path like so many other times; the one of hopelessness and purposelessness? Or will I stand firm in the fact that my hope isn’t in all these things my heart so desperately longs for?
The concept of the necessity of Christ to intervene in my life, again and again, and again, was one I hated for many years. Towards the end of last summer, I needed Him in a way I thought I would never have to again. In my mind, somehow, I had faltered, misstepped, screwed up again. But through all this pain I’ve come to understand, firsthand that healing is most certainly not linear or constant.
Healing is a step forward and two falls back. Healing is a pause and a practice. Healing is a day that you feel like you can conquer, sequentially followed by a night from hell. Healing is a moment of a smile deep from your core, accompanied by a flood water of tears from somewhere just as deep. Healing is a very real thing and it will not usually make much sense you and, especially not to someone else.
The physical anguish I’m striving to heal from is just as present and real as the emotional. And like physical healing, it’s not linear either.
You may not know me, you may never. But I’m aware that you have your own pain, physical, emotional, whatever it may be. And like an invisible illness, you could very well look wonderful on the outside. But you’re drowning on the inside and you don’t understand how in the world to begin healing from it.
Your burden was never meant to be carried on your own. And I speak from a place of experience and understanding when I tell you, run to the Father, again, again and again. You’ll always need Him and His arms are continually open this side of eternity darling.
But can I ask you this?
What’s your list?
Not what you’ve done or accomplished.
Rather, what are your favorite moments that you'll never get to redo? Who have you listened to or sat with?
The simple fact you are in a state of healing right now does not exempt you from helping others heal, it only qualifies you.
I can distinguish that what I’m healing from doesn’t define me, but it does consume me. My only true hope is that likewise, Christ would also consume me.
Sincerely,
Questions To My Answers
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